


He Knows He Can't Do This

by Perry_Downing



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluffy so fluffy, He Knows He Needs to Stop Birthday, Reylo Baby, Space Cupcake, Space Muffin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 14:21:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13789542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing
Summary: One-Shot in the 'He Knows He Needs to Stop' universe in which Rey and Ben decide it's time to expand their family.---Space Cupcake finally convinces Space Queen that it's time to have a Space Muffin. Unfortunately, he's an insecure bean and he kinda freaks out throughout her pregnancy. But Space Queen knows her man and Space Muffin makes him understand that he's going to be a fantastic papa.





	He Knows He Can't Do This

“Ben?”

 

He stares at a spot on the floor of their cozy little home and his vision is starting to spiral.

 

“Ben, did you hear me?”

 

Rey’s voice sounds far away and he starts to blink rapidly, in time with his racing heart. He shields his thoughts from the bond swiftly, grateful they’ve both learned not to poke over the years. Sometimes you just need space in your own head.

 

“Ben?” Her tone now sounds almost wounded and he knows he has to snap out of it. He’s hurting his darling girl and he needs to look up and _respond_. Do it, dammit!

 

“Y-yes, I heard you,” he croaks out, finally meeting her eyes.

 

He winces internally when he sees the insecurity in her bearing and feels just a bit of her nervousness. Maker, what is _wrong_ with him! He’s wanted this, _so badly_. It took him such a long time to make her believe she was ready and now he’s so scared he can barely speak.

 

It was all he could think of for months … maybe more; Rey, round and ripe with their child. As soon as she’d said, “Yes,” he’d kept her in bed for _days_ , shirking all other responsibilities. He thought they’d found every way they could possibly pleasure each other, but that … that had been a revelation.

 

“Aren’t … aren’t you happy?” Her beautiful hazel eyes fill with hurt and he tries to open his mouth and _talk_ to her but he can’t force words past the bloody hole that is his history.

 

Somewhere, behind the blinding fear, he’s _elated_. He wants to fall to his knees and pepper her still-flat belly with kisses, lift her in his arms and worship her for this gift. It’s how he’d thought he’d feel.

 

But instead, all he can remember is every evil thing he’s ever done and he’s _terrified_. Terrified he’ll hurt this precious being he can’t yet sense. Terrified that despite everything he’s learned, he’s still tainted with the dark. Terrified he’s stained his beloved Rey and this new life with the blood on his hands.

 

Her face slowly closes and she starts to draw back from him. Finally, _finally_ he shakes himself free, knowing he’s already come far too close to truly hurting her.

 

“Rey, wait. I’m sorry. I was just surprised; I didn’t think it would happen so soon.” He reaches for her and draws her close, his large hand spanning her abdomen. He imagines he can feel a pulse against his palm and through the bond.

 

“So … you … you still want this?”

 

What he _wants_ to do is bang his head against the nearest surface for his behavior. “Oh, sweetheart, of course I do. I want this more than anything. I’m happy, truly, I’m happy. I’m just … nervous.”

 

She pulls back slightly. “But you were so adamant-”

 

“And I still am. I just thought it would take some time. We only started trying this month.”

 

A wicked expression flits across her face. “Well, we’ve been practicing for a _whole_ lot longer than that.”

 

He pushes away his confusing feelings, bringing himself into this moment he will only have once. He swings her up into his arms and she squeaks in surprise. “And I think we should _practice_ a little more. Don’t want to forget how to do it,” he growls in her ear, his voice rough with suggestion.

 

Rey wraps her arms around his neck and smiles at him, though her brow is arched in annoyance. She doesn’t really like it when he carries her about. But he loves it, so she humors him. And he suspects she doesn’t mind it all _that_ much.

 

“Let me _show_ you how happy I am,” he purrs, then starts to kiss up her neck. She sighs and arches in his arms and the sight of her lovely breasts straining against her tunic is enough to banish everything but _Rey_.

 

\---

 

He holds her closely as little puffs of her breath ghost along his naked chest. Once he knows she’s asleep he feels like he can really go over what had been roiling through him.

 

That reaction … he hadn’t anticipated it. It’s been more than eight years since he was … that man. Rey has been his wife for three, and he hasn’t felt the ghost of _Kylo Ren_ for a long while. He still grapples with his father … he always will. But he thought he’d found a measure of perspective.

 

Now, though … it’s like the scars have been ripped open and he remembers how all his sins had landed on Rey when he first came to her. How she was the one to pay the price for his deeds. What if his child will have to bear his crimes?

 

Has he been impossibly selfish … again? In the back of his mind he’s always known that coming to Rey had been the most selfish thing he could have done, that he’s not worthy to be in her presence, let alone touch her.

 

But she … she says that he heals her. That she feels whole and safe in a way she never knew she could. Maybe … maybe that’s enough. All he knows is he will do anything, _everything_ for her and now this little life born of their love.

 

He can’t make Rey carry his doubt along with their child. This is something he has to grapple with himself.

 

Decision made, he pulls her even closer and she murmurs in her sleep.

 

Ben clings to her throughout the restless night.

 

\---

 

She’s in her sixth week and she hasn’t been eating nearly enough. Ben has tried to talk to her about it, but she just waves her hand and glares at him with enough heat to make him back off quickly.

 

But he’s growing very concerned and has decided to take things into his own hands. Rey has been with his mother all afternoon and he’d taken the opportunity to cook all of her favorites. Rich, roasted meats, fresh fruits, and a truly decadent chocolate mousse. He’s looking forward to feeding it to her.

 

Just knowing she’s pregnant with his child has made him want her in a way he honestly didn’t know he could. He thought Rey had drawn every last scrap of desire from his body. But this … well, he has plans for the leftover chocolate …

 

The door creaks and he races to the foyer. Their home is filled with delicious smells and he’s rather proud of himself. He does most of the cooking, but it’s been a long time since he’s taken such care.

 

“Welcome home, sweetheart!” he calls with enthusiasm.

 

He’s expecting to see joyful anticipation on her face, but she looks vaguely green. Her eyes fly to his and she races to the ‘fresher, her hand over her mouth.

 

Oh. That’s not what he’d expected at all. He rushes after her and finds her hunched over, heaving out the contents of her stomach. Crouching next to her, he gathers her hair into his large hands and makes soothing sounds.

 

He’s alarmed when she continues to be sick long after she’d expelled everything. Frowning, he realizes there hadn’t been much to begin with.

 

Once the sickness passes she leans back into him. He uses the Force to wet a cloth and bring it to her mouth, gently wiping her clean. Then he pulls a glass of water to them and she takes a sip, cleaning out her mouth. He gathers her up, intent on carrying her to their bed.

 

“Ben, I can walk,” she says in annoyance and she scrambles away from his hold.

 

“I just-”

 

“I'm not an invalid!”

 

“No, you’re pregnant! And you haven’t been eating enough!” he flares, hurt by her snarling tone.

 

Rey scoffs, “I’ve managed to go for much longer on much less. It’s fine.”

 

“Fine? Fine? You’re growing a person, Rey! It’s not fine!” he bursts out. His fear for his burgeoning family finally breaking through. He’s failing them already, can’t even feed her properly.

 

She stalks to their bedroom and lays down with her back to him. It stabs him through, this hostility. She hasn’t pushed him away like this since … he doesn’t want to think about the weeks she wouldn’t talk to him on the Resistance base.

 

Standing just inside the doorway, his hands flail. “Rey?” he nudges cautiously.

 

Then he hears her sniffle and he strides to her, coming around their bed and crouching down until he’s at her eye-level. Tears are streaming down her face and she looks lost.

 

“Oh, my darling girl,” he croons, stroking her hair.

 

“I’m a horrible mother. It doesn’t matter what I eat, I can’t keep it down,” she says, sounding so helpless.

 

She’d just returned from a trip to Luke’s New Academy and he hadn’t known it was this bad. He’d only noticed that she wasn’t eating much when she got back … what else isn’t she telling him?

 

“That’s not true, love … did you ask my mother?”

 

“Yes,” she says in a small voice. “She says it’s normal.”

 

“Well then,” he says, relief coursing through him. It’s only been a few weeks and he realizes he doesn’t know .... anything about pregnant women. Well, that’s going to have to change. Immediately.

 

Rey looks at him. “I’m sorry I got sick. Did you spend a lot of time on dinner?”

 

“Don’t apologize, please, don’t apologize. It doesn’t matter,” he dismisses.

 

“Oh … you did, didn’t you?”

 

He can never hide much from her; he only tries when he’s worried it will hurt her. “It truly doesn’t matter.” He strokes her cheek and sees just how tired she is. “Sleep. I’ll do some research and find out if there’s anything that can help.”

 

“Your mother said toasted bread helped her,” Rey murmurs, her eyes already growing heavy.

 

“Alright. Now rest.”

 

He stays with her until she’s in a deep sleep then goes to his office. It’s time to learn every single thing he can about pregnant humans.

 

\---

 

Hours later he scrubs his face with his hands. He feels incredibly stupid for not having done this earlier. It all makes so much more sense.

 

Grinning wickedly, he remembers learning that pregnant women are often quite … amorous. He won’t mind that one bit.

 

\---

 

Ben lays next to Rey, gasping for breath. He almost misses when she was nauseous all the time. She pounces on him every chance she gets.

 

He never thought he’d find himself wishing for a break, but he’s not as young as he once was and sometimes he just wants to … hold her. That hasn’t been on the agenda for quite some time. She tends to wrestle him out of his trousers the minute he gets home.

 

She nuzzles into him and purrs, “Thank you.”

 

Sighing, he kisses her forehead, not quite sure what to say, how to even explain how he’s feeling, but she’s already asleep.

 

What’s _wrong_ with him? He still can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to wreck all of this spectacularly and now he’s upset that his wife wants to do nothing but mindlessly rut. Any husband would be happy as can be. Why can’t he?

 

Maker, he’s such a failure.

 

\---

 

He traces the growing roundness of her stomach as she sleeps when he feels it, a warm spike through the Force.

 

It’s not quite words, but he gets the distinct feeling of curiosity. It’s … oh Maker, his child is reaching out to him. Rey has told him she can sense the life inside her and he’s felt it through the bond, but this … this is different.

 

“Hello?” he murmurs quietly.

 

There’s a pulse of happiness and it’s such pure joy that Ben inhales quickly at the feeling.

 

Tentatively, he lays his palm against Rey’s skin and gets a flash of hazel eyes and three little brown buns. A girl. His _daughter_ is calling for him.

 

He dances a tendril of the Force towards her and a laugh tickles along him in response as she grabs for it.

 

Half the night is spent playing this new game with his daughter as Rey sleeps peacefully.

 

\---

 

“Ben!” she cries out and he’s filled with complete terror.

 

He races into the sitting room in a total panic. “What? What is it?!”

 

“No, no, it’s good,” she says, absolutely beaming. “Come here.”

 

Already on his way to her, he’s by her side in a moment. She grabs his hand and places it on her belly. Oh. Oh!

 

He looks up and finds her face glowing. Throat tight, he looks back down to her round form and chases the movement with his palm.

 

She lifts her tunic and moves his hand until it’s flat against her fullness. There it is again, a thump followed by a flare in the Force. He lays his cheek against her bare flesh and laughs as his child kicks him again.

 

He doesn’t even realize he’s crying until she’s wiping the tears from his face.

 

\---

 

Rey’s deeply asleep and Ben is on his side, his face again pressed against her round belly.

 

“I’m so afraid I’ll fail you, little one,” he whispers to his baby. His tiny daughter.

 

A wave of such uncomplicated love flows through him and he knows he will never, ever be worthy of this miracle beneath his cheek.

 

\---

 

“I can get them myself, you overprotective bantha’s ass!” Rey snarls.

 

Well alright then. One of _those_ days. “I know, I was just trying to help,” he placates.

 

Rey glares at him and goes on her toes to get down the plates for dinner. His mother will be there soon and Rey has insisted on cooking. He doesn’t like how stubborn she is, but he’s learned not to argue with her too much. She’s very touchy about doing things for herself these days.

 

He was lucky to get out alive the first time she’d needed help with her shoes. She’s gotten so big and he not-so secretly loves it.

 

She might have been the one to push him down on the bed initially, but now he can’t keep his hands from her ripe, new curves. If he wasn’t certain he was going to make an utter hash of this, he’d want to have as many children as she’ll agree to just so he can have her like this as much as possible.

 

Gently, he comes up behind her after she finishes setting the table and puts his hands around her admittedly huge belly. Just another two months and he’ll find out if he’s as much of a disaster as a father as he fears.

 

Even though she’s so large, he can still wrap his arms around her abdomen completely and he’s found she likes it when he does.

 

She settles against him and hums out a happy sound. “I’m sorry I lost my temper.”

 

“It’s alright. I’m used to it,” he says shrugging.

 

Rey bats at him. “Hmmph.”

 

\---

 

“If you want to make it through these last weeks with your bits still attached you gotta lay off,” Finn says as he takes a sip of his drink.

 

It still surprises Ben that Finn has become his friend. His best friend, if he’s honest. Ever since he and Poe dragged him to that horrible club for Ben’s _last night as a free man_ , as Poe had so eloquently put it, Ben and Finn have slowly made real peace with each other.

 

“She’s so stubborn!” Ben grouses.

 

Finn just looks at him like he’s an idiot and Ben’s shoulder’s drop. “I know, I know … what else is new.”

 

“Look, Rey was never going to just let you take care of her like I know you want to.”

 

“She gets so tired! If she’d only let me handle the house …”

 

“Do you even know who you married?”

 

Ben sighs. “I do … I do know. I just … I’m … I’m terrified,” he admits. It’s the first time he’s said those words to anyone but his child in the dark of the night.

 

“I know you are.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Ben … I’ve known you a long time now. You … you’re going to be a great dad _because_ you’re terrified.”

 

HIs brows furrow and Ben looks down at his ale. Sitting back in his chair he stares off in the distance wondering if Finn is right.

 

\---

 

“You’re almost here,” he whispers to his daughter, the moonlight streaming into the bedroom. “I … I’m sorry if I … I’m just sorry. You deserve a better man.”

 

Rey shifts and Ben freezes. He doesn’t want her to know how much he’s been struggling. He just … everything he’s done … they both deserve someone who isn’t … him.

 

\---

 

The bond comes alive while he’s out in the garden. “Time, oh Force, Ben, it’s time!”

 

His blood freezes in his veins and he just stands there dumbly, looking at the flowering shrub he’d been trimming.

 

“Now, Ben!” screams into his head.

 

Shaking himself, he races back into the house.

 

\---

 

“Put me down!” she screeches.

 

“Woman, you _will_ let me carry you!” he bellows as he continues lifting her from the speeder. He’d taken every curve as fast as he’d dared and even used the Force a bit to assist him.

 

“Ben,” she snarls.

 

“Rey,” he snarls right back.

 

Another contraction comes for her and she holds onto him tightly. She breathes through the pain and when it’s over she resentfully says, “Fine.”

 

“Thank you.” His voice is soft and sincere.

 

She smiles slightly and sniffs. “You’re welcome.”

 

“Come on, Mama.”

 

She buries her face at the crook of his neck and says, “Let’s do this, Papa.”

 

He’s never been more afraid in his entire life.

 

\---

 

His wife is a warrior. He’d always known that. No one is stronger than his darling girl, but this … Maker, she’d been magnificent.

 

Exhaustion and relief line her whole form and she’s smiling through her tears as the doctor places his beautiful, perfect daughter in her waiting arms.

 

He shouldn’t be here. This is too perfect, too untainted. He’ll just destroy this moment and he moves to the edge of the room. He keeps watching though, selfish thing that he is.

 

Rey cocks her head and calls worriedly, “Ben?”

 

Wrapping his arms around himself he shakes his head, unable to speak through the storm of feelings. Everything he’s done is howling in his head and he wants to run but he can’t because he must protect them.

 

Rey’s face grows so sad. “Ben … I know. I know what you think.”

 

His eyes fly to hers. She nods. “I heard you, when you’d talk to her. I felt. I know. You’re a good man, a good husband, and you’re going to be an excellent father. You already are. Now get over here and meet your daughter properly.”

 

She knew? All this time …

 

Slowly, he makes his way back to her side. He looks down at the little red face he helped make and his arms ache to hold her, but he just can’t quite make that leap. “You knew?” he chokes out.

 

“I did. But you didn’t choose to tell me so I let you work it out on your own. But it’s time to snap out of it. Please, love.”

 

That gets to him. She rarely uses terms of endearment and it manages to break through the wall he’s been furiously building to protect them.

 

HIs arms lift, not quite with his permission and Rey places his child into his terrified hold.

 

Oh. Oh … the tiny weight does something to him. Like a warm wind, his past blows away as he looks into her alert eyes.

 

The Force around her is almost blinding in its purity and she reaches out like she had in her mother’s womb.

 

He smiles at his _daughter_ as he sends an answering furl. Everything is going to be alright.

 

 _Papa_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Juulna, for coming out of retirement to beta this little one-shot. I can't imagine writing in this universe without my bestie beta and she, thankfully, agreed. Thank you, BB2.
> 
> Thank you readers! I hope that you enjoy this little trip down memory lane. Happy Birthday, Space Cupcake! I truly can't believe it's been two years since I started posting my first fic. I am beside myself with gratitude to everyone who gave it a shot. Glittery pink space cupcakes for everyone!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for supporting me so much as I keep on writing for this ship. I can't imagine a more supportive partner.


End file.
